My husband Brian

I have already written about my husband Brian battling cancer.  Here are some more facts about him that I have not shared yet.  Brian was diagnosed with cancer in 2016, and by that time it was already stage four, metastatic prostate cancer spread to bones.  Brian dealt with this shocking and terrifying discovery as he did everything else, with absolute trust that he was in God's hands and all would be well.  His entire life has been about living his faith to the fullest while living and loving with every fiber of his being.  Needless to say, this can be maddening to live with.  I have had many fearful days of crying out to an invisible God and hearing only silence.  Faced with the same diagnosis I would have begun to make videos of myself talking to the kids that they could watch on future special occasions when I would not be present like weddings and birth of babies.  But not Brian.  He would simply trust, pray with all his might, and smile.  At one point he abandoned all treatment, relying on prayer, essential oils and healthy diet.  He felt strongly in his heart that he was being led by God and Mary to do this, though I did not feel any such peace about it.  My feeling was terror, mixed with anger about his selfishness and lack of consideration for my reality, as well as our daughters.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done to stand by him during those months, as he wasted away on a single bed in our bedroom becoming completely immobile while I cared for him.  Nights become filled with dread as I became exhausted helping him, listening to his moaning since he also abandoned all pain meds, and comforting our girls as they each grieved and worried with many tears and questions.  I had many questions also, though I was powerless to change Brian's mind and heart.  I was forced into a place of complete trust also, though a much different path.  
Then one weekend our eldest daughter came home from college to surprise Brian.  After seeing him dying and withering away in our bedroom, she sobbed and pleaded with all her love and heart for Brian to seek medical assistance.  Brian's cancer is not curable with medical intervention but treatable for pain relief and extending life expectancy.  After seeing her great distress, Brian agreed if he was not healed miraculously by the end of the weekend he would seek medical help again.  Monday morning came and there was no divine healing so with Brian's permission I called 911 and Brian went by ambulance to the hospital where he began palliative radiation and hormone injections.  He did a complete switch from his previous path, though he felt peace about it since he had given full commitment to his faith.   God must have a different sort of miracle in mind.  Brian handled the treatment and humbling hospital experience with much grace.  At one point, the nurse was giving Brian his daily steroid injection in his stomach and said, "I'm so sorry..."  Brian said to him, "it's okay...this is reality right now and a beautiful thing".  Brian almost smiled during the injection, and typically would ask to hold and pray over any medicine going into his body prior to the nurse administering it.  I joked with the kids that their dad could have a job praying over everyone's medicine at the hospital; certainly most people would rather have a medicine that had been blessed and prayed over.  
We came home 11 days later, after much help, treatment, physical therapy and caring from friends and family.  (Thank you for all the soup, dear ones!  You know who you are. xoxo)  Brian continues to gain strength and can get up again with his walker and move around.  I brought him outside for the first time before work this week and he walked in circles around the small paved area in our driveway, taking in the colors and beauty with the delight of a child or someone who has been to death's door and is now back.  His eyes well with tears as he looks at the sky and speaks about his daughters.  He is full of love and gratitude for each day.  He treats every person with love and he continues to trust each day, that his life is in God's hands.   The girls and I are full of relief, sleeping more soundly and breathing more deeply for the first time in many months.   We are letting all the stress and fear drain away.   The future is not certain, but we are reveling in the gift of more time.  Each day a gift to unwrap and smile.